American humor/jokes

A man buys a second-hand time machine. People say you shouldn't. But as far as he's concerned, it's a classic — they just don't make them like they're going to anymore.

A married couple tells their counselor they have zero unresolved issues. Then the surveys come back — husband writes "NONE," wife writes "ONLY FANS." (It's about the ceiling fan.)

A man bids way too much for a parrot at auction, then worries it might not even be able to talk. The auctioneer's answer explains everything — and ruins the man's day.

A city slicker can't figure out why the farmer's heroic pig — who pulled the man from a burning barn and saved his drowning son — has a wooden leg. The farmer's answer is a masterclass in rural logic.

A biologist and chemist both miss the deer — one to the left, one to the right. The statistician sees the data and calls it a clean kill.

Quasimodo is hiring a bell-ringer apprentice. The job is simple: pull the rope, then get out of the way. Two men learn — the hard way — that neither instruction is optional.

A police officer promises the arrested speeding driver that his boss will be in a great mood — he's at his daughter's wedding. The driver's reply is the last thing the officer expected.

A rich lawyer spots two families eating roadside grass, invites them all to his mansion to be fed. Their heartfelt thanks gets answered with the most lawyer thing imaginable.

A golfer slices his ball off the first tee and causes utter mayhem on the road — 20 kids in the hospital. The club pro's response? Just a golf tip about shifting your weight.

A tourist tours cathedrals across Europe — €1,000 to speak to God in Paris, Cologne, and Rome. Then he reaches a tiny chapel in Scotland and gets the same deal for 20 pence. The reason? "Ye're in Scotland now, lad. It's a local call."

A man drives his wife's cat further and further from home to lose it for good — but the cat always beats him back. When he finally drives it across three counties, he calls home hours later with one desperate request.

An atheist hiker asks God to make the attacking bear a Christian — and deeply regrets it when the bear bows its head and starts saying the blessing.